The 11th of November - I'm a big fiasco

Hello :)

I know, you've probably noticed that I'm always so melodramatic, and that I make everything into a big deal. And I do kind of do that, and I realize that you might find it annoying, since I'm always bitching about my life when really it isn't that bad at all. But sometimes you just need to get it out, and this is where I go to get it out.

So if you don't like my little bitch flips, I recommend not reading any more of this post, cause it's going to be one hell of a bitch flip!

Okay so yesterday there was this party at my school (not in a lame way) and I was going, with 3 of my musical friends. But there was this preparty at Phil's house too, though I wasn't invited, which I was a little down about, because both Carol H and T was. Now I think that Carol T only was invited, because her boyfriend (Paul the guy who I texted with a lot not that long ago) is one of Phil's very good friends.. but still it made me sad. Now we girls had a great time and it was no biggie that I weren't invited to the preparty, I figured he only got to invite a very small amount of people and that I'm just not one of his closest friends, and I could live with that. Though I actually at one point thought that he saw me more like his friend, than he saw Carol H.
  So we arrived at this party, and soon after their preparty arrived too. And this is when Carol tells me that Phil has been hanging on her all night, and that he says that he's totally into her and bla bla bla. Now Carol has a little something something going on with Matti and they've actually kissed before. And they did kiss again at the party. But anyways Phil was very angry and talked about hitting Matti and it was all such a big deal and he was just so "in love" with her! So I tried to just keep away and not get in the way, cause I was really angry with myself and with Phil, because I actually thought that Phil liked me and if not then I though I was his friend at least. But I guess not? He once told me at a party that I meant more to him than I knew, I guess I took that the wrong way.
  But yeah there was a lot of drama at the party. And when I got home I cried for a very long time, I was just so upset! I felt useless and that I could never live up to being Carol's friend. I felt like no one would ever notice me, because all they would see, would be the more beautiful, funny, sweet, thoughtful, happy girl and not her friend. And I though about that if I ever got a boyfriend, I wouldn't introduce him to her because I would be afraid that he would just dump me and run after her like everyone else. I actually caught myself thinking about that the earth would never miss me if I left it. Of course I would never kill myself! I do love my life and I care about my friends and family. And I do have friends, it's not like people don't like me, they do, the thing is that they just always like Carol better.
  Now today Carol was having some girl night and I was invited with like 3 other girls. And she texted me asking if I was coming, and I told her that I wasn't sure cause I wasn't really in the mood. So she asked me if I didn't want to come, and I told her that I did want to come, but I was just a little down today and that I might be a party killer.. So she asked if there was something wrong, and I told her that I might tell her some other day. But I ended up going over there anyways, and I think that was a good decision. It made me happier, and I did talk a little to Carol about it. She gave me the whole speech again about it being the other way around and I just couldn't see it. But it's not true. We didn't get to talk out because I didn't want the other girls to get involved, but we will do that another day. I know that I'm just jealous of her and that I'm ridicolous but it really does effect me. I'm probably over sensible and the worst friend in the history of the world. But just to put it on the record; I don't ever show these feelings or talk about them, it's just in here that I let them out. And this is the first time I've shared it with Carol. I just feel that it's time, because the feelings just grow and grow inside me and I feel like I'm about to explode. I mean even Carol T, who is supposed to be my best friend (I don't really see it that way, but she says so) likes her better than me!! I can see it in the way she is around her, and they hang out a little now too and they seem like they are having so much fun and it's great, but she never has that much fun with me. I try to look past it, I try to stay happy, because I know out of experience that if I'm not happy no one will talk to me. So that will only make it worse. Right now I'm actually crying too.. I just find it so hard, and writing this down just recalls all of my feelings. I'm a fiasco at life..

Sorry for my melodramatic blogging. I blame it on the teenage hormones.

Love you guys!
M.E<3